Candy Bar Girls - episode four

Written for Pink Paper

London is a big, bad, gay city. There are nearly eight-million people living here, only twelve of whom are straight.

With this density (and I use the word advisedly when reviewing Candy Bar Girls) of lesbians prowling the mean streets, there are some important rules for keeping things civilised. Don’t sleep with your ex-girlfriend’s sister. Don’t annoy the bouncer at Dalston Superstore. Don’t – please, whatever you do – change your profile on Gaydar whilst starring in a reality TV series about lesbians when the person you're dating is also being filmed. Drama will surely ensue.

But drama is what the viewer wants, right?

So why are we being subjected to people attending job interviews? These mini-interrogations are boring even for the people involved, second only in tedium to having your hair cut. So, please - fewer awkwardly staged job interviews in hair salons in future.

Why are they filming people visiting their parents? Every week we meet more. I see these people more than my own mother and father. They’re not even gay parents. One saving grace from this week’s mum-bothering is that we now know that Big Brother’s Shabby Katchadourian grew up in Milton Keynes rather than springing fully formed from an unfortunate industrial accident involving Shane from The L Word, the Artful Dodger and a barrel of radioactive waste.

And at the risk of coming over all Points of View, why oh why did I have to spend five minutes of my life watching two apparently sentient adults attempting to weigh luggage by standing one of them on the scales with a bag and then standing them on the scales without a bag and then subtracting one weight from the other? I can't have been the only person with my head in my hands, weeping quietly and muttering “Just put the bag on the scales. Please. For the sake of humanity. Just put the bag on the scales.”

A little more focus on the Candy Bar staff themselves would add to the entertainment – one of my favourite moments this week was the adorable Lisu following up her disciplinary for constant lateness and bad attitude by slapping her manager on the arse and demanding that she have her rota sent to her by text message every day. I want to keep Lisu in a box forever and ever and look at her whenever I need cheering up. A bit like a serial killer might do.

I'm ashamed to request this, but Candy Bar Girls, please can we have another ‘re-created for narrative purposes’ fight scene? Or at least some raised voices?

Many thanks, Candy Bar Girls. Many thanks indeed.