On hearing that porn-baron Richard Desmond’s TV channel, Five, had commissioned a new documentary showcasing the real lives of real actual London ladygays (Dezzer’s Lezzers, if you will), I had some concerns.
Would Five be taking a sympathetic look at a diverse set of people? Would they be shown as well-rounded women, their sexuality only part of who they are? Would I recall having ever woken up fully-clothed in the corner of any of the participants' bedrooms?
When I found out that Candy Bar Girls' production company were specifically hunting out tattoo artists, aspiring models and ‘other creatives’ my heart sank a little, and the subtle advertising plastered all over the underground did nothing to answer my questions.
Would Five be taking a sympathetic look at a diverse set of people? Would they be shown as well-rounded women, their sexuality only part of who they are? Would I recall having ever woken up fully-clothed in the corner of any of the participants' bedrooms?
When I found out that Candy Bar Girls' production company were specifically hunting out tattoo artists, aspiring models and ‘other creatives’ my heart sank a little, and the subtle advertising plastered all over the underground did nothing to answer my questions.
But. If there is one thing that lesbians love, it is seeing other lesbians making tits of themselves on telly. Not watching was never an option.
The rebrand of the Candy Bar is the hook for the show. If you’re not in the know, it’s a lady bar in Soho, with a fairly horrendous reputation. You go there once or twice when you first come out, then you go back five years later when you’ve forgotten what a hell-pit it is, neck your fluorescent pink shot and leave quickly for a cup of tea and a lie-down in a darkened room.
However, it has been taken over by new management - Gary, a gay man with an almost psychotic aversion to the colour pink (a shame as the Candy Bar is almost entirely made of bright cerise, like going drinking inside a nightmareish version of the girls side of Toys R Us). He organises the walls to be papered black. That seems to be pretty much the extent of the rebrand. He is learning about lesbians by watching Lip Service and The L Word. This is the equivalent of revising for a Mediaeval History degree by watching Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves.
In time-honoured reality TV fashion we are introduced one by one to the characters we will be following over the series.
SANDRA D
Sandra D is the manager and DJ of the Candy Bar. She says early on that “she is going to be a parent in two weeks”. I assume she is talking metaphorically about the rebirth of the bar, as it is never mentioned again. Unless she’s forgotten due to all the auditioning pole dancers and choosing photos of lesbians to put on posters she has to do. She is very thin and looks very tired and stressed and has cool hair. She has a brilliantly unimpressed voice. I like Sandra.
DANNI
Danni has just finished her performance arts degree and has moved to London with her girlfriend, Lucy.
Danni is a shiny fringe balanced on long thin legs, like a fashionable umbrella squid. She is the new pole dancer at the Candy Bar and spends quite a lot of time upside down in her pants and bra, apologising for forgetting the UV paint, an integral part of her act and what sets her apart from the less classy pole dancers in Soho. Props to Five for waiting at least three minutes into the programme before getting a hot girl to writhe around on a pole in her scanties.
Her girlfriend Lucy seems like a good sort, and explains that they have recently decided to enter into an open relationship. Unsurprisingly Danni heartlessly dumps Lucy in this episode. Lucy is shocked by this. “Gizza bit of warning next time!” she exclaims, “like five minutes or something!” and trudges sadly into the night with her rucksack. This makes me like Danni a lot less.
I have created a flow chart for Lucy for the next time she gets into this situation:
The rebrand of the Candy Bar is the hook for the show. If you’re not in the know, it’s a lady bar in Soho, with a fairly horrendous reputation. You go there once or twice when you first come out, then you go back five years later when you’ve forgotten what a hell-pit it is, neck your fluorescent pink shot and leave quickly for a cup of tea and a lie-down in a darkened room.
However, it has been taken over by new management - Gary, a gay man with an almost psychotic aversion to the colour pink (a shame as the Candy Bar is almost entirely made of bright cerise, like going drinking inside a nightmareish version of the girls side of Toys R Us). He organises the walls to be papered black. That seems to be pretty much the extent of the rebrand. He is learning about lesbians by watching Lip Service and The L Word. This is the equivalent of revising for a Mediaeval History degree by watching Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves.
In time-honoured reality TV fashion we are introduced one by one to the characters we will be following over the series.
SANDRA D
Sandra D is the manager and DJ of the Candy Bar. She says early on that “she is going to be a parent in two weeks”. I assume she is talking metaphorically about the rebirth of the bar, as it is never mentioned again. Unless she’s forgotten due to all the auditioning pole dancers and choosing photos of lesbians to put on posters she has to do. She is very thin and looks very tired and stressed and has cool hair. She has a brilliantly unimpressed voice. I like Sandra.
DANNI
Danni has just finished her performance arts degree and has moved to London with her girlfriend, Lucy.
Danni is a shiny fringe balanced on long thin legs, like a fashionable umbrella squid. She is the new pole dancer at the Candy Bar and spends quite a lot of time upside down in her pants and bra, apologising for forgetting the UV paint, an integral part of her act and what sets her apart from the less classy pole dancers in Soho. Props to Five for waiting at least three minutes into the programme before getting a hot girl to writhe around on a pole in her scanties.
Her girlfriend Lucy seems like a good sort, and explains that they have recently decided to enter into an open relationship. Unsurprisingly Danni heartlessly dumps Lucy in this episode. Lucy is shocked by this. “Gizza bit of warning next time!” she exclaims, “like five minutes or something!” and trudges sadly into the night with her rucksack. This makes me like Danni a lot less.
I have created a flow chart for Lucy for the next time she gets into this situation:
ALEX
The Candy Bar’s Australian barmaid. Alex is very Australian. She likes booze and falling over and seems quite affable. She once kissed a boy - “It was just saliva going in my mouth, mixed with hair”. Yes, hair. Australian males have hair in their mouths. They are PROPER MEN.
Alex is mainly drunk in this episode.
SHABBY
Eagle-eyed viewers may remember Shabby from the last series of Big Brother. If you can’t remember what she looks like, or love her so much that you want your own Shabby, you can form one with these ingredients:
The Candy Bar’s Australian barmaid. Alex is very Australian. She likes booze and falling over and seems quite affable. She once kissed a boy - “It was just saliva going in my mouth, mixed with hair”. Yes, hair. Australian males have hair in their mouths. They are PROPER MEN.
Alex is mainly drunk in this episode.
SHABBY
Eagle-eyed viewers may remember Shabby from the last series of Big Brother. If you can’t remember what she looks like, or love her so much that you want your own Shabby, you can form one with these ingredients:
Shabby is a musician, and makes t-shirts. “I have my finger in all the pies,” she tells us. “I am a pie-fingerer”. We meet Shabby on her way to a date, at a sushi bar. “Here’s to raw fish all night long,” she toasts. Shabby has a way with words, I decide.
Later, her date becomes angered that Shabby is besieged by fans (yes, Shabby from Big Brother has lots and lots of fans. This was one of the most surprising aspects of this week’s show). “I get a lot of female attention,” states our favourite media-whore-urchin. “Just cos I went on Big Brother. Not a good reason to f*ck someone though, is it?”
JO
Jo is annoying. Things that ‘drive Jo’:
She was the editor of lesbian free magazine G3, but felt her life was becoming “spiritually bereft” so off she trotted around the world, a modern-day Siddhartha, seeking fulfilment through the time-honoured western tradition of ‘patronising the locals’. “Going into this hut and hanging out with this Mayan family and their pet spider monkey was just brilliant,” she tells us. “Someone ran up to me in a fit of anguish going ‘Oh my god you have an incredible aura!’... Anyway, I gave her eight dollars and we moved on.”
Jo will be staying with her parents now that she's back in London, and is supremely ungrateful for their hospitality. “I wish I was back in Shoreditch” she moans, as she introduces us to the stuffed toys of her childhood. She also talks openly to her parents about sex, unlike a normal lesbian who comes out to her parents once and then hopes it’s never mentioned again.
So, Candy Bar Girls. It’s not going to change perceptions, it’s low-budget, pretty tacky and full of people with personality disorders. I am already absolutely addicted.
Jo will be staying with her parents now that she's back in London, and is supremely ungrateful for their hospitality. “I wish I was back in Shoreditch” she moans, as she introduces us to the stuffed toys of her childhood. She also talks openly to her parents about sex, unlike a normal lesbian who comes out to her parents once and then hopes it’s never mentioned again.
So, Candy Bar Girls. It’s not going to change perceptions, it’s low-budget, pretty tacky and full of people with personality disorders. I am already absolutely addicted.
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