Candy Bar Girls - episode six

Written for Pink Paper

Candy Bar Girls, everyone’s favourite lesbocumentary (apart from The Real L Word of course, which has an actual budget and shows women, like, DOING IT) has come to an end.

It seems longer than six weeks ago since I first raised my eyebrows at this depiction of modern London lesbian life, which has tackled such biting political issues as “Is pole dancing intrinsically classier if you’re covered in ultraviolet paint?”, “What is Shabby FOR?” and, of course, “Is it vertical hair that turns you gay, or is it being gay that turns your hair vertical?”

It’s coming up to press night at the Candy Bar and owner Gary is taking the girls to Brighton for a team-building exercise. “That’s a gay bar over there” he points out. If he says that in front of every gay bar in Soho-on-Sea they could probably make an hour-long spin-off special. They tackle the dodgems. They drink some wine on the beach.

“Days like this help you bond”, events manager Sandra says, the defeated expression in her eyes telling a different story as the seagulls swoop down from the grey skies and attempt to eat her chips.

The Candy Bar is re-branding again, this time by putting a rainbow flag up. “It is a symbol of gay pride” our learned tutor in Homosexuality 101 tells us.

“Oooh mind my pole, it’s a big one” says Gary (Barbara Windsor) Henshaw. “Will it fit in that little hole?” Lesbians around the country weep.

“It takes a gay man with a unique insight into the lesbian world to create this” the voiceover states, as the camera swings over the crowd of drunk women, eating canapés made of tiny bagels and groping each other in corners.

I finish my drink and go to bed, dreaming of a lesbian documentary that reflects my life or that of my friends in some way, shape or form.

But it’s been good shallow fun, and maybe, just maybe, it could lead to more interesting things. 'Til then, bring on series two of Lip Service…